Where’s Charlie?

By now I’m not really sure if I’m even here at all. The buzz of the heater and the screams and shouting from outside, seem to crawl along the walls of my room. Even when the sirens pass, I can feel them hiding under the peeling wallpaper, hiding ‘till they can come haunt me again.

I started hitting my leg against the window sill, as I lay on the bed. I welcomed the feeling of my skin bruising; helps to forget the wait until Charlie comes.

It’s been a while, I think. Life doesn’t really matter when he’s not here; it decides slow down and dawdles its way. It’s frozen.

“FUCKING STAGNENT”

Hah, they’d like that: my stuffed toys all lined up on my chest of draws, they love it when I swear. Giggle and gossip about me in hush tones, as if I can’t hear them. Bitches. They only shut up when Charlie’s here.

Scared of him I bet, he’s magnificent. Makes me fly in his presence.

I know I have a bruise by now; my leg hasn’t stop convulsing against that ledge. I don’t know how I know… Sometimes I feel like I’m watching myself, sitting in that chair Phillip sits in. Watching what I’m doing, the bruise would be dark and grey. I want to check. See if I’m right, but I hold off. Wait till Charlie’s here, it’d be worth the wait. Everything feels better when Charlie’s here.

I’m tempted to go eat some of the food Phillip left me, but I’m not hungry. Good, that’ll shut them up for a while. Last time Charlie had been gone for so long I had eaten all the fruit there. Ravenous, I remember sucking on the sour juice of the decaying fermented flesh of an orange. Phillip hadn’t been pleased; he threatened to take away the old fruit.

“No Phillip you can’t!”

It was important, seeing it all there. Reminding me how good I was for not eating it, for waiting for Charlie to come.

Sometimes I wish I had a clock. A silent one, the tick tick tick, made my heart want to wander out of my chest and my head wouldn’t stop spinning. Phillip had to take it away, it was smashed any way.

But I wanted to know how long Charlie had been gone! I feel like I haven’t slept since his absence. Maybe I just couldn’t dream without him, maybe that’s why I don’t remember sleeping.

I’m standing before I even realised I’ve moved, looking at the mirror. My dress hardly covers my bra. My chest has gotten smaller, Charlie wouldn’t care. He likes me this way. Phillip wouldn’t be impressed, he’s just jealous.

The mirror isn’t being very nice to me though, it’s telling Charlie’s not going to come. It tells me I’m too ugly. too stupid. Why would Charlie come for me?

Its lying, I’m beautiful. Even Phillip says so; he brings me dresses because I look ‘So stunning in them’. It’s lying, my father spent good money on my education! Private school, it means I’m better than all the other people, I’m even better than Phillip because I got more money from my father. No one’s better than Charlie.

“You’re LIEING”

It’s telling me I’m cheap.
“How can I be cheap with all this champagne darling?” I try to sound like my mother while I pour myself a glass. Phillip gets me it, I give him the money. Only for treats, only have one glass a day! Need to save up. Need it for Charlie, need it for our future.

“I can buy anything I want” I scream and chuck my glass at the mirror. They both smash, I look better now. And the reflection doesn’t look so smug. What can it know?! Charlie never came to visit IT!

Phillip will have to buy me a new mirror, he always does. The glass on the floor looks distressed. Calling to me, asking me to cover it up with my little feet. I take a ballet step towards them, little soldiers waiting for me. The pain hardly makes an appearance, and the blood just applauds my act.

“Thank you! Thank you!”

I dance; Phillip loves it when I dance. ‘His princess of decadence’, normally I only dance for Charlie, but he’s late! He doesn’t deserve the privilege!

The door bell rings and I pause. The show didn’t matter anymore, Charlie was probably here. Hopefully. I try not to feel guilty for doubting, and fix my hair in what was left of the mirror. I’m excited; I put on my best smile. Running to the door with blood slick feet, it doesn’t matter about the stains. Charlie would laugh and Phillip would clean it up.

Throwing open the door, I’m shocked I can even remember how. When was the last time I left this room? Doesn’t matter, Charlie’s here.

The man at the door is wearing all black, but I don’t let that put me off. I go to touch his chest, try to check his pockets.

“Didn’t know you wanted to pay that way”
Money! I ignore his sneer and grab it from the draws by the door.

“Can Charlie come now?”

He’s grinning, but I know I’m grinning more. Charlie here’s. Charlie!

“Here you go love, two grams, that’s £90”

I’m staring at the little bag of white powder, it looks so beautiful. There’s enough here, enough for me to spend the whole day with Charlie.