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My amusing encounter with some thugs

Why I don’t go outside often.

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My amusing encounter with some thugs

The other day, I was lying against a tree, sipping a beer in the evening sun and catching up with a friend I hadn’t seen in six years. The fact that we were drinking in the park like a couple of hobos/teenagers/teenage hobos is not the issue here, so shut up.
    But anyway, we were innocently laughing and trading jokes about dead babies and cancer (because we’re the world’s worst human beings), when we heard a distinct, ape-like howling in the distance. My paranoia level instantly set itself to ‘OHSHITRUNAWAY’, because I knew it could mean only one thing:

Scary dumbasses!

    However, despite my obvious concern, my friend didn’t seem too bothered. He continued telling his joke about a blind paraplegic getting cancer for Christmas (look, we’re awful, okay?), seemingly unflustered about the steadily approaching menace. This was perhaps because he’d spent the last six years in New Zealand, where the most intimidating thing you’ll encounter is probably a slightly larger than average kiwi fruit.

    So, while maintaining my grin as the punchline came, I was secretly hoping with all my heart that these loud, aggressive-sounding pricks would just pass by without noticing us. Obviously, because whatever deity is up there probably heard every one of the horrible, horrible things we’d been discussing, this was not to be. An unpleasant voice soon screeched:


    “Fuck.” My brain said.





    Then, finally, they emerged from the undergrowth. A trio of thickset, slightly inbred-looking blokes who were at least thirty.  The type who are so thick you can’t actually reason with them, and will most certainly “brake ur fuckin face bruv” when they threaten to.
    Now, with the two of us being tall, skinny creatures with lifestyles so unhealthy that grating cheese is an exhaustive task, we knew weren’t going to emerge from this situation too well.

    “R u 2 gai den??” One of them asked again.
“Uh… no?” I was about to respond, before my companion cleverly decided to say “A wee bit” for a laugh, somewhat underestimating the seriousness of our predicament. I silently wished a pestilence upon his household, and braced myself for the onslaught.

    The only part I actually understood of the ensuing verbal assault was something like “WHEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY FUKIN FAGOTZ INT DEY!! M8 U LUK GAI AS FUK!” This was because they had some kind of incomprehensible accent I’ve officially dubbed ‘Stupid’.

    In a puzzling leap of logic, because we were apparently gay (which was news to me, but okay), we had to give them all our beer and cigarettes. We tried to explain to them how that wasn’t going to happen, because we, y’know, paid for them and stuff. But then they kindly informed us that if we didn’t comply, our jaws would be promptly separated from our heads. Since neither of us really like being hit, we concluded we didn’t have a lot of options open to us.
    Strangely, they only took two out of four beers and three fags in the end. I think maybe their brains couldn’t comprehend numbers bigger than that. So off they went (after threatening us with violence once more for good measure), chortling about their great victory over two weedy nineteen year-olds. My friend and I were left simply staring at each other, confused and depressed at the state of our species.

“Welcome back to Ipswich!” I eventually said. We laughed for about twenty minutes.


1 Alex Palmer | on 05 June 2010

I love you too, spambot.

2 IP1zine | on 06 June 2010

yep, spambot has now been deleted from the site.

3 Bronwen M-D | on 07 June 2010

This is brilliant, good old ipswich raspberry

4 Howard | on 09 June 2010

Alex, you’re a brilliant writer, this is excellent and perfectly original.

5 Sarah H | on 18 June 2010

Hi Alex I’ve just caught up with your writing on here after reading (and laughing with) your uni story, and I have to say I love the way you write. Looking forward to reading some more : )

6 Sophie Clarke | on 06 October 2010

Hahah this is soo funny.

7 emmanuel | on 26 June 2011

So funny mate Alex. Really like it.

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