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Confessions of a heartbreaker

Written for The Courier, Newcastle University’s student newspaper

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Confessions of a heartbreaker

“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. This lovesick fella obviously never dated me. Ok, so I’m not exactly proud of it. I don’t go around with a placard on my neck stating how many hearts I’ve claimed and crushed, bragging that I’ve driven men to wander the moors for eternity in the name of love. But I’ve had it done it to me and I’ve done it in turn: what comes around goes around babe.
I recall one lad turning up at my house for our first official date (i.e. he was actually going to show me somewhere other than his bedroom). He was in his best jeans and reeked of aftershave, brandishing a single red rose in his hand. Little did he know I’d already decided I was done with him. Feigning gratitude at his clichéd gesture, I quickly shoved the wilting flower in a dirty pint glass, knowing full well it’d be out with the bins tomorrow. I can be a sensitive soul, honestly, but when a guy throws a strop like a preschool brat (yes, I’m talking stomping feet, huffs of injustice, the lot) after I tell him it’s not working out – code for I’d rather resign myself to a life as Gordon Brown’s mistress than be taken out by you again - I tend to become a bit unsympathetic.
A besotted long-distance ex felt the need to tell me he thought I was the one the first time he came to visit. This overwhelming declaration was accompanied by an evening of crying into my chest and less-than-convincing “ahh”s and “mm”s on my part. Rule 1 boys: do not give the game away THAT fast. Let’s just say this guy spent the next 18 months in tears (I gave him a chance; see I’m not that bad). When it came to ending this rather cringe worthy soiree, the floods would NOT stop. I kinda felt bad, but all I could focus on was the snot bubble that had formed on his lip – “no really, a goodbye kiss would just make it that much harder”. See ya.
Oh, and another thing: you have to understand that if a girl knows she can get what she wants and get away with what she wants, she’s going to do it. So, if you don’t like your piece flirting/staying out all hours/generally being a less-than-ideal girlfriend, SAY SOMETHING. If you act like a walkover, giving us the cold shoulder but eventually giving in, we will walk over you, guaranteed. If you don’t say anything, we eternally retain the excuse that “I didn’t know it made you feel that way”, and carry on with our heartbreaking behaviour regardless.
Reading back on this, I realise that I have a bit of a cruel track record, but all I’m saying is guys, please, grow a pair for the sake of womankind.
Date anyone?


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