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Diary of a Restless God!

Vist Patrick Scott's Profile

Diary of a Restless God!

In our quest to provide the highest quality of journalism, IP1 secured the greatest interview in history: God. We came prepared with a series of deep and meaningful questions exploring His role in a modern society filled with scientific advancements and vanilla-flavoured coke. But He didn’t show up, so we stole some pages from His diary instead…

Ugh… I can’t really get away with hitting the snooze button again. A few years back I would’ve been awake like a shot, but there’s only so many times you can look down at the world you lovingly created and hear some pleb say ‘as God as my witness’ before you start striking people with thunder for being total liars.
I’ve become bored… So today I’m taking an afternoon off; a bit of work this morning, then I’m watching those cooking shows the Heaven Channel always has on.

Had Shreddies for breakfast. I’ve never had a cereal named after me, despite creating a universe in seven days. Apparently my disciples care more about Tony the Tiger and this Knitted by Nanas crap. It upsets me a bit!

I should start working. The Heaven waiting list is piling up, so I need to let Saint Peter know who can get in and who can’t. Shouldn’t be too difficult really, as it’s normally easy for me to figure out who’s getting barred. But after that, I’m watching cooking shows!

The list is done! I have no idea why so many people want to get into Heaven anyway, It’s SO BORING here. Plus I’m impressed with the renovating Satan’s done in Hell recently. He just needs to sort out his marketing…

I need to take it down to Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, anyway. That’s another thing that annoys me about humans; they’ve built Pete up to be some masterful guardian of Heaven. The man is an incompetent fool. I guarantee that if I sent this list rather than delivering it personally, he’d lose it within seconds. So now I have to miss Adventures in Flan-making to go and literally shove it in his face.

This is ridiculous! As soon as Pete saw me he mumbled something about his oven, told me to take over and ran off! So now I’m spending what would be a nice day off being the doorman to my own bloody kingdom. And this queue is huge.

I don’t think Pete’s coming back. I’d fire him for this, but then I’d have to interview for a replacement, and I’m bored just thinking about that.

I’ve been on the door for hours, and these whiny dead people are so depressing. You’re in Heaven now! Look happy! I’ve got five missed calls from Jesus on my phone. Last time we hung out, he got me drunk off free wine and persuaded me to throw eggs at Ghandi’s house (who, I learnt, has gotten a lot grumpier since he died). I’ve been avoiding him since then, but at least this doorman job gives me an excuse to ignore his calls.

Jesus has shown up, because I forgot he can’t take a hint. Just as I was about to say that I’m stuck on the door, Pete finally returns, grinning like the idiot he is because he’s apparently fixed his oven. So now I have no excuses to get out of seeing Jesus…

All I wanted to do today was watch TV. NOT sit in the Devil’s Advocate watching Jesus chat up barmaids. This is so unfair. And I’m not getting drunk and annoying Ghandi again, so I’m on the water.

Well, Jesus’ whole ‘turning water into wine’ thing is pretty convenient. Maybe just one glass…

My head is THROBBING. Can’t remember what happened after that first glass last night… Damn you, Jesus. I need to move… Why is there an empty egg-box by my bed? Think that might have been a knock at the door…

Just looked out the window, there’s definitely someone at the door… And I could recognise Ghandi’s bald head and angry face from anywhere. I hate you Jesus!

Disclaimer: This article is not intended to poke fun at Christianity, we sincerely apologise if you find it offensive

Words: Patrick Scott
Illustration: Bethany Hines


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