Look To No Man But Yourself

I stood on the edge. The Cornish wind rippled through me, lashing through my hair, ripping through my lungs. I inhaled deeply, looking at the drop before me. My stomach lurched as I caught my breath. I kicked a rock over the edge, in to the angry waves below, just to see how long it took to plunge in to the icy waters that stretched before me. I looked to the sky. Sombre and bleak, the blue skies of summer had gone, replaced by it’s gloomy, grey counterpart of winter.

The blue skies of summer. The sun, the sand, the sea. I could feel the sand in between my toes now as he nuzzles my neck - I giggle, squealing in delight. We buried each other in the sand, up to our waists, sniggering like children as we dug. We stuffed ourselves with scones and clotted cream by the seafront and sipped on pot after pot of tea. Walking hand in hand as the sun retired, we planned our days ahead and chuckled nervously at the idea of finally settling down together.

But then it came for me. A thief in the night, a trespasser. Between the sheets, it grabbed me with both hands. We were sleeping in each others arms, transfixed in absolute bliss, and it was there that I disappeared. It seeped inside me, filling up every part of me from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes. Morning came, and he knew I had gone. My eyes no longer sparkled, my lips no longer curled in to the grin he had come to know and love. Instead I was hollow.

He fought. He fought with all his strength and courage, but I pushed. Nothing was good enough. And then, he was gone. I screamed, I fought, I begged and pleaded and most of all, I blamed. This was his fault, anybody else’s fault but mine. I searched for others to blame. My friends, my family. I couldn’t understand how I was the way I was. Then, one winter morning whilst laying in bed, it hit me. I should have fought against the trespasser, protested when it tried to take me, argued - I should have stood my ground. This was my own doing.

And so, here I am. I stand on the edge of this cliff top, cradling my life in my hands like a baby, small and vulnerable and out of control. Thoughts spin around my head, pros and cons, yes and no. I think of my family but I quickly push them from my mind as a tear fills my eye. No, I promised myself I’d shed no tears, I think as I tighten my coat around my waist as I shiver. My eyes travel to the beach we walked along. I was so full of fervour and hope, plans for the future, ambition. I stare towards the winter skies and I remind myself to look to nobody but myself. Everyone has gone. I wipe a tear from my eye, and shut my eyes tight shut. I take a step, and I am gone, too.