Mona and Colin Comedy Sketch

MONA AND COLIN

INT. LOCAL SUPERSTORE - DAY

MONA and COLIN start placing their shopping on the conveyer belt.

COLIN
Do we eat sprouts?

MONA
I don’t eat sprouts

COLIN
Well, who eats the sprouts? The kids don’t like sprouts

MONA
You eat them

COLIN
Err. No I don’t! What are you talking about?

MONA
Well you ate them last weekend

COLIN
We didn’t even have sprouts last weekend

MONA
I didn’t, but you did

Mona looking pleased with herself.

Colin looking puzzled.

MONA (CONT’D)
Remember I made that vegetable pie last Saturday?

COLIN
Oh god, I don’t like where this is going

MONA
(looking pleased with herself)
Well, I put sprouts in it

COLIN
You put sprouts in it? You put sprouts in…
(angry)
Why would you even do that? You know very well I don’t like them things

MONA
Because of what you did to me?

COLIN
What are you talking about? What am I being accused of here exactly?

MONA
Chocolate buttons?

COLIN
What has chocolate buttons got to do with anything?

MONA
You threw out my last chocolate buttons?

COLIN
Oh man, we’re not still arguing about that are we?

MONA
Yes

COLIN
That was last bloody month. GIVE ME STRENGTH!

Colin is agitated.

COLIN (CONT’D)
And anyway, you know that was an accident! I thought the packet was empty!

MONA
Colin! You never throw out a woman’s chocolate!

COLIN
There was one chocolate button left! One bloody chocolate button!

MONA
Well, you know the score babe. You throw away my chocolate, you suffer big time mate!

COLIN
I can’t believe we’re arguing about a chocolate button! I mean SERIOUSLY!

MONA
Well, if you hadn’t thrown away my chocolate button and then we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place, would we?!

COLIN
What has gotten into you? You’re so childish!

MONA
Me, Childish? I’m not the one who runs around the house, chasing the kids with my underpants on my head!

COLIN
HEY! We do not have to mention that in public±

CHECKOUT OPERATOR
Hey guys

The Checkout Operator tries to break up their argument.

MONA
Hi
(to Colin)
You know what? You’re an idiot!

COLIN
Well, at least I not pathetic!

CHECKOUT OPERATOR
That will be £67.92 Please

MONA
(to Colin)
That’s mean. You’ve really hurt my feelings

Mona sobs.

COLIN
(looking embarrassed)
Come on, you don’t have to cry. Please don’t cry. People are looking

MONA
Who bloody cares if people are looking! You always think about yourself, you useless piece of shit

COLIN
Shut up! You wench!

CHECKOUT OPERATOR
(polite with an agitated tone)
Guys, I just need £67.92 Please. For the shopping

MONA
(to Colin)
Oh, why don’t you tick your pants on your head and run round the shop!

COLIN
This is ridiculous! You are a stupid woman!

CHECKOUT OPERATOR
(screaming)
GUYS!!!

Mona and Colin stop what they are doing.

CHECKOUT OPERATOR (CONT’D)
(relaxed tone)
Right, can you please pay? That is all I need. You can then continue whatever issues you have outside and not at my till

MONA
Oh, I am very sorry sweetie. Of course I can pay you now

CHECKOUT OPERATOR
(releaved)
Thank you

Mona searches in her bag

MONA
I’m so sorry about this. Just excuse my pathetic husband

CHECKOUT OPERATOR
(to herself)
Oh no

COLIN
(to Mona)
Excuse me! How am I pathetic?

MONA
Because… Because you have started this ridiculous argument

COLIN
What? I did not start this. You…

Checkout Operator interrupts abruptly.

CHECKOUT OPERATOR
(angry)
RIGHT, THAT’S IT! FORGET ABOUT PAYING, JUST GET OUT!

Mona and Colin take their shopping and walk out the shop.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE SUPERSTORE - DAY

MONA
Give me a high five

COLIN
Oh, we’re good

Mona and Colin smile at each other.